So, I was reading the Sunday Houston Chronicle today. (Yes, I hold the Actual Newsprint. My fingers get all dirty, and I throw the sections I’ve finished around me until they have covered the floor around my seat completely-it’s fun and educational. Give it a whirl.) Anyway, I was reading the print version of this article, which was much better than that web link, probably because it was actually this article, which the Chronicle reprinted from The Los Angeles Times. I couldn’t decide whether I should stop laughing long enough to consider what the article inadvertently said about the state of our country, our legal system, what entertains us, what we find newsworthy, and our rampant immaturity in general. I thought I’d summarize it, and y’all can help me decide if my initial response (hysterical laughter) was warranted, or just as immature and sad as the people the articles reported on:
A role model for the yutes of America.
It would seem that a civil lawsuit has been filed against the Phillie Phanatic. Now, don’t worry-he can handle the stress; the large green dude’s no stranger to the courtroom. This type of thing’s happened to him at least three times in the past. “An adult individual” (the lawyer’s term, certainly not mine) named Suzanne is suing the mascot for picking a chair up, while she was still in it, and heaving it into a nearby pool. Apparently, Suzanne had the bad luck of landing in the shallow end.
Some people are just sucking all the fun out of wearing a furry green costume.
Quit laughing; you’re being immature about this. Maybe Suzanne sustained her injuries because she was sitting in this chair at the time of the alleged dunking. Quit laughing! Sheesh…
The lawsuit goes into vivid detail about the extent of her injuries: “Plaintiff suffered severe and permanent injuries to her head, neck, back, body, arms and legs, bones, muscles, tendons, and ligaments, nerves and tissues of her head, neck, back, arms and legs, including, but not limited to, a herniated L-5, S-1, aggravation and/or exacerbation of all known and unknown pre-existing medical conditions, internal injuries of an unknown nature…”
Well, dang. And if that’s not bad enough, poor Suzanne is also allegedly dealing with “mental anxiety and anguish, the full extent of which is not yet known”, and “humiliation and loss of life’s pleasures.”
I sort of think this woman lost the ability to obtain pleasure from life long before she met the Phanatic. How she ended up at a party, let alone the same party where Phillie’s mascot was “entertaining” is a mystery for the ages. I know I shouldn’t be laughing at this, but I. am. rolling. Mental anguish? Anguish, as in the English term meaning “extreme pain or misery; mental or physical torture; agony”?? Really? From being thrown into a pool? We’re throwing around that term a bit loosely these days, I’m thinking. Gotta love this attorney, though. At least he/she’s having fun with this: that lawyer’s milking this thing for all it’s worth. Obviously he/she’s moonlighting as the King/Queen of Melodrama. Ruling that place with an iron scepter…
This is immaturity disguised as righteous indignation at its finest. I mean, this is dang nearly raising it to an art form.
Maybe Suzanne and her wordy attorney are just trying to out-do the Phanatic, who thought he had cornered the market on immaturity with his stupid antics including rubbing bald men’s heads, dancing suggestively with strange women, taking fan’s (really expensive) buckets of popcorn and dumping them over his noggin, and hugging and/or oggling pretty female Phillies fans, be they attached or not. And then, the loveable little green fuzzball hires himself out for parties, and takes that show on the road.
At least the Phanatic knows it’s possible to mix having some fun with his immaturity. Maybe Suzanne never learned that. Maybe she only knows the whining portion of immaturity. All I know for certain is I’ll take the Phanatic’s brand of immaturity over hers every day of the week.
Judge Haller: What are you wearing?
Vincent Gambini: Huh?
Judge Haller: What are you wearing?
Vincent Gambini: Um…I’m wearing…clothes.
(Blank stare from the judge…)
Vincent Gambini: I don’t get the question.
. . . .
Judge Haller: Uh, did you say “yute”?
I really hope this case comes before a judge like Judge Chamberlain Haller, and I hope the Phanatic calls up well-known attorney Vincent Gambini to represent him. I can just hear it now, “What are you wearing? Are you mocking me, boy?”
Sigh…so many ways to be immature. So little time. Now, where’s that dvd…? I feel like watching something funny…